The Writing's on the Wall

I haven’t written poetry in a while. The words within me couldn’t find their way out it seems. I pushed and pulled and prayed and nothing. I listened to ocean sounds, took a walk in nature, let the sun hit my face yet still - nothing. Well not nothing, I got a nice chocolatey tan but that’s beside the point..

I had to stop, breathe and listen to spirit and deal with what was going on on the inside. I won't lie, it was hard looking in the mirror within and seeing the distorted view I had of myself. I wasn't whole, instead I was all over the place, scattered, torn apart and desperately attempting and failing to put the pieces back together.

Poetry is a soothing balm for my soul so you can imagine how hard this blockage was for me.

I tried doing my morning pages which is me writing anything and everything that comes to my mind - freehand - but my mind was blank and so were my pages. As a writer, writing is my elixir, one of the things that fuel me. It was impossible to write anything on an empty creative tank. Letters, didn’t turn into words and words didn’t form into sentences. Instead my notes app looked like I was drunk texting someone and got distracted mid thought.

Sometimes there’s a red blinking signal trying to make you aware that your tank is empty. Don’t look away, look at it, look into it, dissect it, but whatever you do just don't look away. 

Not being able to write was not the main problem, it was a symptom. I had carried a human being for nine months and had pushed her out of me during a pandemic, there’s no need to mention the pandemic because we all know. Assignments were kicking my ass, deadlines were suffocating me. My hormones were taking me on a rollercoaster I didn't ask to be on. A constant up and down and the sound of blues, pregnancy blues that is ringing in my ear. Ignoring all that was happening I was still trying to find words to put on paper. Needless to say I was going after the right thing, which was writing but at the wrong time. 

So I let it come to me, instead of chasing after it. I was tired of being tired, being out of breath and sweaty and running anyone who knows me knows that me and sports aren't friends, we tolerate each other because I know I need it to be healthy. I was running but not towards something but in circles. Wasting strength and energy with every step.

What now?

I have started the practice of being in the now, forcing myself to be still and intentionally telling my wandering mind to not go anywhere, to stay right here. Luring it with peace instead of distress.The first day I did this I realised something: I’m a drama queen; I let my mind drift off to different places and people and all types of scenarios in a matter of seconds I go from just washing my hands to thinking about what I will be doing in fifteen years, and just like that I go into panic mode, my heart starts racing and I get worry lines all over my forehead. It is not so much past regrets that occupy my mind but it is future anxieties that fill my head.. it’s less a shoulda woulda coulda situation and more of a what if situation.

What if I don't make it? What if things don't work out? What if I don't grow? What if is such a strong question but maybe instead of doubting ourselves we should put more energy into believing in ourselves. Controlling the controllable and not thinking about the uncontrollable. Right now, there are issues that are in your hands, and there are a lot of things that are out of your hands and that is fine too. I mean, we only have two hands anyway how much are we able to carry without falling?

My morning pages are full again, my paper is no longer a puzzle of misplaced words and unfinished sentences. I have been taking it slow, as to not be overwhelmed and have anchored myself in the now. We can't change the past and can't control the future so what's the point of driving ourselves insane over something we can't change and giving ourselves high blood pressure along the way?

Exactly. None. Find whatever is blocking you, whatever is causing you to not flow freely and untie the knots, break down the walls. Free yourself.

Love,

Maame.