Girls Need Love
Women are sensual beings. Read that again and again, because we don’t read it very often. I’ve had countless conversations with girlfriends and female acquaintances and we all came to the same conclusion: girls need love, too. Summer Walker got that right.
From teenage years, sexuality was explored in all its aspects when it came to boys and men. We have seen sexuality in all its stages and have been conditioned to see it as normal, natural, a right of passage one may say; as long as it’s about the male sex. When it comes to women: not so much. It is a labyrinth we find ourselves in and we are told to either not think, speak, feel anything sexual or we are told to please and have babies. Those that were lucky enough, had someone; a mother, an aunt, a cousin, a sister, lead them through the labyrinth like a fairy godmother sprinkling magic and wisdom along the way. Others were told to keep their knees closed, not to be sensual, not to wear red lipstick because of what others might think and not ask “too grown” questions. Funny enough, once you reach a certain age it is exactly this sensuality that you are told to put on display or “you will not find a husband to marry.” Ugh, the irony.
This is not a post about going out there and opening your legs to every Tom, Dick and Harry but it is rather about knowing who you are in your womanhood enough to not let anyone treat you like crap, you being your heart , your soul, your mind and especially your body.
As women, we are told to accept things, tolerate things. Being sexy has been equalized to being promiscuous and in the same breath the word slut or whore is uttered effortlessly without any remorse because that is just the way it is. But it is not just the way it is, is it?
Being straight forward about what you want must mean that you have been around. Being comfortable in your skin and owning it means you’re trying to seduce everyone and their mama. Being vocal about sex means you do not know your place. The holy grail of it all comes down to being touched inappropriately, being groped in public, being assaulted in private, means you were asking for it. Asking to be raped. Asking to be attacked, violated, abused.
It is never the perpetrator that is at fault but the one being attacked who is at fault, they must have done something to let it get this far or better yet they could have done something to stop it. Like for example say no, or scream, or fight. Such beautiful theory that is impossible to put into practice when you’re the one being attacked. A "no" can be heard as a "yes". A scream purposely overheard. Fighting, can empower the other person to be even more forceful. The notion that needs to be gotten rid off is that the rapist must be a stranger you encountered at the bar. Wrong. It can be a family member sneaking up on you when you’re not even close to the age of being able to sit in a bar, too young to even know and understand what is happening. Too afraid to say something, because speaking up doesn’t mean anyone is going to believe you. Trapped at a young age, with issues that will follow you from there on out, secrets so dark it might take you a lifetime to share them, deal with them, heal from them. A healthy sexual foundation, a concept that is as foreign to you as the language of a foreign country. It can be a good friend, who got too comfortable one day and dipped his fingers in a pot they didn’t belong. It can be a partner who thinks because you’re in a relationship, they are entitled to whatever and whenever even when you haven’t given clear consent. It can be someone you trust, thinking that they’re there for you and are there to help when all they want to do is help themselves go to town. Point is there are no guidelines here. Ask survivors and they will tell you the many different stories that exist out there. Still, women are made out to be promiscuous, slutty, whores (excuse my French or maybe not).
When Amber Rose first introduced the slut walk I have to say that I did not fully understand. Why provoke people by going out in your underwear and wearing barely there outfits, to prove a point? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense: what I choose to wear or not to wear shouldn’t make you want to take advantage of me. I can be half naked and it still doesn’t give you the permission to touch me however you want, it is you who should work on your self control and learn to hear the word yes, before taking another step.
Out of fear a lot of women have hidden their sensuality, choose to not wear that top because of the unwanted looks it might gain and maybe even unwanted touch. Girls are kept in a bottle of what is acceptable in society, in their families, in their religion and are only allowed to come out of that bottle with their husbands, and when they are rubbed the right way, just like a genie making every wish their literal command.
But Girls need love too, girls need to know that they are protected. Girls need to know that they can speak up without being silenced. Girls need to know that they can be sexual without being shamed.
All things that should be the new normal and that each and everyone of us can work on by empowering our sisters, friends, followers. And letting everyone know, yes even that male friend of yours that is a bit too touchy feely with girls, and yes your homeboys too and your brothers and your co-workers with the sleazy comments and disgusting jokes, that treating women with respect in all aspects should be the bare minimum.
Love,
Maame