If It's Lovin' That You Want
You should give it to yourself first.
“Be you, love you. All ways, always.”
I woke up that morning feeling blah. The moment my feet touched the ground of my cold floor, leaving the comfort of my warm blanket, I could feel annoyance and weariness creeping up, a weird pore clogging, life sucking vibe and negative energy taking me out of dream land into firm reality. With a groan, a moan, and a dramatic eye roll, I reluctantly left the bed went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for what felt like forever, I didn’t feel right. There was something about the eyes staring back at me with disinterest that just didn’t feel right...
What is this self care I keep on hearing about? And where can I get some?
Believe me when I say I have tried everything when it comes to self care. When my world was on fire I thought a hot bath with candles all around me, and a glass of something sparkly might make me feel better. But have you tried to set up a bathroom the way those instagram pictures are set up? It's work. Also, if you don't live alone, and have roommates or parents or siblings etc., it can be very tricky to do so in peace. But the worst part for me was taking a bath and my mind wandering off not being able to calm down and having a panic attack in the middle of a lot of foam, vanilla scented candles and lukewarm water, (which initially started off as boiling hot water btw., I know great start). I tried yoga and yoga laughed in my face because I couldn't get my mind to settle down while attempting to do the downward dog, I prayed and lost my train of thought right in the middle of it nowhere near amen. I journaled and all I could write down was "Dear diary, hello it's me, it's me hello." Yes, there will be days when everything that seems to work for everyone just doesn't work for you, and that's okay. There will also be days when something that has worked for a year all of a sudden stops working and you need to find new ways to care for self and that's okay too. Just don't give up trying. Eventually just like Stella, you'll get your groove back. (Hopefully without having to go bankrupt spending a first class vacation in Jamaica).
My tank always seems to be full for everyone around me. We have money tanks, love tanks, time tanks, all sorts of tanks that we (ir)regularly fill. Take a moment to think about who or what you have been spending those tanks on. Friends, foes, enemies, clothes? (Had to put in bars). Whatever it may be, the possibility is high that you might be giving out your hard earned tanks to others, leaving tiny drops for yourself which is causing you to wake up in the morning feeling blah. So why settle for less, when we can have so much more?
My self care journey truly started when I rediscovered the word no. Two letters with magical impact, depending on what side of the no you’re on, whether you’re on the giving or the receiving end. Saying no and sticking to that no, all in the name of self preservation and self care, knowing what your limits are, setting boundaries while uttering the one syllable word, can be freeing to say the least. As children, the word no always had a negative connotation, I believe it is one of the reasons why so many people find it hard to cope with it when we say no to them. Men, women, kids, friends, partners, parents. It seems like we are depriving them from something that is theirs, when it is not their tank that is being emptied, but ours. This does not mean we should go out there and throw the word no around with ill intentions or say no because we want someone else to hurt when we can in fact help, but this is more to say that saying no is also a form of self care, the kind that can liberate us from bondages that we probably never realized or knew, existed. Saying no to things we do not want, releases our tongues and minds to say yes to things that we do want, things that are beneficial to our growth and well being.
Pour into everyone else, and you won’t have a drop left for you. And who wants a drop of water when they have been dehydrated for so long? How will it satisfy anyone who needs a gallon of water?
Self care starts with self, it is an internal job. Maybe start with a no today and see how it goes from there.
Love,
Maame