On Forgiveness

The story goes like this: People you love hurt you. In a way you never thought possible. The hurt shapes you, forms you, creates a new person. Maybe a bitter one, a more cautious one, with walls as high as skyscrapers. You vow to yourself to never trust again, never give anyone access to treat you like that again, to keep both eyes wide open. You question everything: the smile on a person’s face, because you’ve learned that people can smile in your face but the thoughts they have towards you may not be happy ones. You question kindness because in your experience it means that there’s a reason behind it, an ulterior motive. You refuse to let yourself fall because the last time you did that, no one was there to catch you. You don’t let your guard down because your vulnerability was weaponized against you. Almost paranoid because of the immense hurt and betrayal that you have endured. Trust that was earned and built has now been torn down. Completely shattered.

I used to think that cutting people out of your life was a loophole in not needing to forgive them. But there was no truth to that. My heart would still remember the hurt, I would still feel the pain and would have anger brewing inside of me whenever I got reminded of it.

When trust is misused our first instinct is retaliation, rebellion, reciprocation. At least that’s how it was for me. Eyes turn dark and the idea of revenge is something you toy with. I mean, revenge feels sweet, it hits that sweet spot and scratches that itch. It melts on your tongue like honey but ends up stinging in your throat and burning its way through your gut. After revenge often comes remorse. It may take a while , especially when denial has found its way to you, but it will come eventually. So, is it worth it?

I’d say no. I’ve been on the giving end of revenge and on the receiving end and there’s nothing fun about it at least not in the long run.

The only way I could experience freedom, was through forgiveness. Now don’t get me wrong, forgiveness does not mean letting hurt back into your life and accepting that kind of behavior. By all means necessary: protect your peace, let the people go, set your boundaries. But saying goodbye and not dealing with how you feel, not for them but for you, will always give the other person power over you. And I think we can all agree that upon all the things they deserve, power is not one of them.

Take your power back by getting rid of the weight that forgiveness brings, the anchor around your ankles that is making you drown. The rope around your wrists that has your hands tied. Forgiveness doesn’t happen over night, it is a process that you have to be willing to undergo. In all its ugliness. And boy oh boy can it get ugly.

I remember this girl that I knew who made my life a living hell, just the thought of her made my stomach turn so much I could taste blood in my mouth. The growing disdain I had for her and resentment that I felt was making me sick (literally). Even though she was not actively in my life any longer, and I had cut all ties with her, I was still feeling what I was feeling because I hadn’t completely let go. The thing about not forgiving someone is that you will be the one suffering, not them. They will go on about their lives and laugh wholeheartedly with all their teeth showing, while you’ll be clenching your teeth and your fists, all tense. Tossing and turning at night and losing precious sleep. Nope not worth it. Not worth it at all.

How do you forgive?

There is no definite answer to that I fear. Everyone has their process. Some pray, others sort it out during intense therapy sessions, some deal with the deeper source of their disdain and hurt, others rescript their trauma, some confront it head on, which can be great but sometimes the other party is not willing and open to have that kind of conversation, leaving you even more frustrated than before. However you choose to do it, know that inner work is at play here. And it can only be done when you’re willing to do the work and be completely honest to yourself. The greatest part is that the people who hurt you don’t actively have to be a part of the process unless of course it is a relationship you’re not willing to let go of because you think it has the potential to be repaired and to thrive, in that case everyone has to be involved and it’s all hands on deck. But your part in forgiving is something that’s on you. No one can do it for you. If you’re wondering what happened between me and that girl, I chose not to give my power away. I chose to want to live life without intense stomach aches and resentment. And most importantly: I did it for me. When I see her, which is once in a bluemoon, I say hi and bye and keep it stepping. No hard feelings, no residue of disdain, just freedom and a little bit of pity because you have to be very miserable to make someone else’s life as miserable as she made mine (but that’s a story for another day).

Even though it says forgive and forget, it doesn’t mean that your brain will magically forget everything that was done. All it simply means is that it is not in the forefront of your thoughts anymore. Giving freedom to way more important things to occupy your mind. They made their filthy raggedy uncomfortable bed so why should you lie in it? Absolutely no need for that.

If you’re reading this and you’re going through it know that you’re not alone, know that you can overcome this and come out flourishing. This whatever it is does not define you.

Take your power back.

Love,

Maame.