Tell Me What You Want
I have never had a problem saying what I think, to myself. But communicating it to another person, now that’s a whole different ball game. Forming words is not something I have issues with, I am a writer after all, but there is something inexplicable that happens when it comes to me having to say what I think. Out loud. My introverted self curls herself up and tries to find a place to hide immediately, the small part of me that is an extrovert is all of a sudden mute, standing there dumbfounded and at loss for words. My default answer when I am asked whether something is wrong is: It’s nothing. If I’m feeling frisky I will add a “I’m fine?” Or a “what made you ask that?” Uhm sis, it is written all over your face that’s what and you’re clearly not okay no matter how often you say you are.
Why is it that we don’t say what’s on our mind when it is clearly occupied and is as far from the “nothing” we claim it to be? I know that I can’t possibly be the only one with a communication problem.
Blame it on the who?
Funny enough, talking to strangers about what’s going on within is so much easier, I think having a blog where I journal out loud underlines the fact. Is it because I am used to those close to me not taking me seriously? Is it because I was raised in a way that acknowledged how I presented myself more than what was going on inside of me? Maybe. I do not have a definite answer for it and I’m in no way blaming someone else for my inability to communicate properly. Sure, my foundation of communication might not have been great but who says one can’t start over and rebuild a new foundation? There’s no restriction and it is not too late. For the longest time I blamed it on every one except myself, going back to my kindergarten teacher who didn’t let me finish that thought… the way most of the time growing up it was more about what I looked like and how I presented myself than it was about what I was going through, the way the fear of what others might say or how what I had to say would be perceived paralyzed me and muted me, building up walls so high no word dared to escape out of my mouth.
But that was then and this is now. And if there’s one thing I have learned in my thirty years it is I am not my past and who I was does not define who I am right now in this very moment; that everyday is a new chance to make better choices and decisions. And that every decision I make is up to me and no one else. So if there’s any blame that’s being handed out, its probably in my inbox and its time for it to be dealt with.
One thing that I hear a lot of times is how I am clearly being bothered by something but I never open my mouth to say what it is. Do you know the feeling of wanting to say something even needing to do it but then the moment comes for you to speak up or someone asks you if you’re okay, maybe it’s a partner who wants to know if everything’s alright or a friend that is genuinely concerned and asks whats on your mind and all of a sudden you can’t speak, the sentences even though perfectly aligned in your head can’t find their way out and all that escapes is “I’m fine” and it’s nothing and you spend the rest of the day and maybe even the night wondering what the f is wrong with you and why you can’t just say it? I've been there, done that. As a matter of fact I'm still there, doing that. God knows I need deliverance. Baby steps, are still steps so don't put yourself down if you're not quite there yet and your communication skills are being outshined by that of a new born baby...
Looking at it from this perspective makes it much easier, right? Kinda. I know the feeling of relief when I share what is on my heart and let go of all my thoughts but the constant fear of how my thoughts will be received when they find their way out, how the words spoken cannot be taken back and how it might change someone else's perception of me is what traps me. It makes me clingy, holding on to my thoughts and my words acting like I have all the capacity in the world to hold them when I know damn well that I might burst at any given moment. Because let's face it': that's what happens when we keep things bottled up, there is a high risk of imploding. And let me tell you something it is not fun.
Full disclosure I have had many arguments about my inability to speak out what my face is saying.. so yeah your girl is still struggling not to necessarily find the words but to speak them out loud. What I have started doing is giving myself time. Not pressuring myself and to tell the other person exactly that: I do have something that’s on my mind but give me a minute, an hour, a day, a week. One sentence of truth is better than saying “it's nothing” when it is everything that is consuming you.
Love,
Maame.