Me vs Me

With outside gradually opening and me being me after pregnancy and  after giving birth, there is a lot of anxiety that comes with it.

Who is this woman?

I am not the same person I was when I went into this pandemic last year. Things have changed from the inside out. Looking at myself right now, the new me: when I look in the mirror, when I take a selfie, when I look at pictures and videos of me, I sometimes do not recognize myself. Along comes the pressure of wanting to go outside and the probability of being seen by other people. Insecure may be wrapping up but insecurity seems to be at an all time high, at least on my end.

I did not know I was this self-conscious until my body changed. The last time I probably felt this way was when the waves of puberty hit everyone except me and I watched everyone talk about period cramps, pubic hair and push up bras and I desperately tried to fake it till I made it, if you didn't know about the tissues in my bra where we even friends?!Late bloomer gang what’s up?

So back to the change I was talking about: even though people can compliment you and shower you with praise, if you don’t feel the same way there is not a compliment in the world that will make you feel better about yourself. We can play Beyonce’s “Feeling myself” as much as we want, it will not change the problem at hand. To make matters worse, some of us have to deal with comments that will make us feel like we’re exaggerating, doing the most, unnecessarily being dramatic or even ungrateful. 

Don’t let those opinions make you feel like your issues are not important, they are important to you. Your heart matters are all that matters. 

With some people anytime I mentioned my body and the way it changed through pregnancy I heard : but look at your beautiful, healthy baby… I didn’t say anything about my baby (she is the epitome of beauty btw), I mentioned my body and how I don’t feel confident or comfortable with the changes it has been through. This can result in some of us being quiet about what they’re going through, silenced by the guilt others try to impose on us, feeling like nobody really understands, especially now that body positivity is very much present in our daily lives, making you seem like you’re on a completely different planet when you don’t particularly like the way your body looks.

So, here I am in all my vulnerability and giving you my virtual hand: holding your hand; the one who is struggling with outside being open again and the one who has become a completely new person inside out; the one who went into this lockdown with friends that are no longer there anymore with partners that are gone, never to be heard of again, the fling that disappeared into thin air and ghosted you; to the one who came out of this lockdown with happy weight or with less weight, the one who was stretched beyond capacity and the one who is now covered with stretch marks, the ones who have new friends, who have new partners the ones with completely new human beings (Hey Mama and Dada), the one with a baby on the way and everything in between that I failed to mention. I just want you to know that you matter, your feelings matter and the changes you’ve been through, no matter how scary they may seem should not keep you quarantined longer than necessary. Being a prisoner of your mind is no fun, I can attest to that. 

Not everyone is doing okay, this is for us, who are not okay.

I was one of the people who screamed for outside to be open again but now that it is, I am struggling.Stepping outside can be terrifying if we don’t feel comfortable in our own skin and body. It can be scary to go out and socialize with others, when our mindsets have changed and the way we used to think may have even elevated. Am I still funny?  Is this friendship even still real? Will they notice the change within? Can I please go home now?(How are my introverts doing? Y’all good?)

The only way to answer some of these question is to slowly get out there and see for ourselves that the fear within is created by deceptive voices within. We create our own world, our own comfort, our own peace, our own well-being.

I am letting go of the old me in the same fashion that I’m embracing the new me; which is writing and starting to take on new habits healthier habits (yes, I’ve been working out regularly and have been cutting out junk food; best decision ever) and being more in tune with self.

Love,

Maame