Own It
Let's drop the fear of public failure.
Growing up in an African household one of the things I heard a billion times was the phrase: what will people think? What will people say?
The image that I had to portray was that of perfection, being a good girl entailed being at the top of the top in class, always smiling and being polite and respectful to those who were older than me (meaning all the nosy and heavily intrusive and gossipy aunties and uncles, even though at this point I must say that not all of them were that way) but there was a certain image that I was directly and indirectly told to uphold. Every time I did something that was connected to failure or something that was deemed not right, I would hear: what will people say or what will people think. Oh the Drama when I had to repeat a school year or when I wore a dress that was slightly above the knees to church and dared not to wear stockings underneath. But it is those not so little details that have made me afraid of public failure. As much as I have shaken off the narrative of looking good on the outside by all means necessary even though I might feel like sh* on the inside, there is a lingering fear inside of me every time I make a decision, any decision that will or will not affect how other people see me. But to whoever reading this what I can say is that you’re not that special; let me clarify: We like to think that our name is in people's mouths 24/7. But most of the time people just don’t care. Sure, they might talk about it for a good three minutes unless they don’t have anything to and are highly obsessed with you then that three minutes can turn into three weeks or months in a heartbeat but it is really not that deep. While you are making your bed and lying in it rest assured they’re doing the same thing with their issues and life decisions. We might be living in peoples head rent free, but the only thoughts we truly know of and can one 100 percent testify to, are our own.
Have you ever done something you wanted to do and then after doing it your palms start sweating and your face gets all hot because you have to step out in the open with it and people might see it? Not only see it but react to it?
Storytime: It took me a solid seven years to finally get a nose ring. At my big age (I was 27 then) after getting it done and feeling myself, my heart started racing because I had to go home to my parents house and there would be no way of hiding it because it was right there in my face, sparkling and everything. Here I am, pacing back and forth in my room. On the one hand happy af because I finally did it and I am loving the way it looks but on the other hand terrified to death because of how my parents would react. Long story short: my mom loved it and even threw in a compliment. My dad didn’t love it immediately but also wasn’t as highly bothered by it like I thought. So all that fear and waste of energy was for nothing. What I’m trying to say is that not doing something because of what others are going to say is the same thing as choosing to be in pain when the medication you need is right there in your hands. I have repeatedly found myself in the same cycle of wanting to do something but putting the brakes on it because of someones reaction to it. But the most important opinion and reaction to what you’re doing is yours. Own it. The public eye is not of importance it is your inner eye that is important. In this life I can't come and kill myself.
Right now I’m standing in front of a major decision, one that I’ve stood in front of a couple of times and I always ended up doing what won’t let me look like an idiot in front of others. But congrats to playing myself because I might not have looked like an idiot to others but I’m looking like the biggest idiot to myself right now. Changing your major again? That’s wild. Wild enough for Me to do it. Because it is me I have to deal with when things go south. Not my parents, not aunties and uncles, not friends, no one but the woman in the mirror. Here’s to looking at you and liking yourself. Here’s to owning it, whatever it might be for you. Don’t let the fear of public failure, let you fail privately.
Love,
Maame