Lean on Me
Build your village and watch it take care of you.
My body is tired. My body is tired. I am sleep deprived. Dehydrated, because for some reason I keep forgetting to drink water and did I mention my body is tired?
These past couple of weeks had been something else. I had known stress and life’s challenges but the last weeks had a certain je ne sais quoi that was, well for the lack of a better word, tiring. There was uni and motherhood and chores and very loud neighbors and wanting to do it all but having nothing to give but exhaustion. Is there a word for deep exhaustion? Something deeper than fatigue? That’s what I was feeling. Two toddlers screaming. Taking turns in throwing tantrums. My eardrums almost exploding and my Apple Watch alerting me that “repeated, long term exposure to sounds at this level can damage your hearing”. Uhm, you think?! It has always fascinated me how tiny humans can be so loud. You reach my knees when you’re standing straight how the heck can you be this loud?
This past week took the cake. And not the sweet kind that you let linger in your mouth to savor every bit of flavor and texture, but the kind that does not look appealing and tastes like butter but is also very hard to swallow.
I’m not exaggerating here.
I found myself up on Tuesday at 4 am, searching for sleep and not finding it anywhere, telling myself: This is too much.This is too much. I can’t. I had reached my breaking point and it caught up to me in the middle of the night while everyone else was enjoying their sweet serene sleep.
It takes a village
I am so glad for my people. Because they gave me space and grace to vent. And they reached out however and whenever they could. With 20 minute voice notes on WhatsApp that kept me entertained and laughing so hard that I could feel every muscle in my belly, giving me illusions of a six pack. And coming over to pick me up and do something fun with the girls. And calling me while they were in the middle of their work day and listening to me cry and vent for a good thirty minutes. And making it a priority to set up a date to come see me and the kids. And offering help, substantial help (not the kind where you offer and then we don’t hear anything from you again). And scheduling an afternoon where we stroll through the city sans kids ending up eating really good and having even better conversations. I’m getting emotional while typing this because there was a time when I felt so lonely, when I felt like I had no one in my corner. There was a time and I’m glad this time has long passed, where I felt the weight on my shoulders weighing me down and it didn’t look like it would be lifted anytime soon. That was then.
If you’re reading this and you’re thinking you don’t have anyone. Believe me when I tell you that when you open not only your heart but your mouth to communicate your needs and struggles, your people if they’re the right kind of people, will show up. You don’t need hundreds of people that are just there for decoration, an ornament to your Christmas tree. Quality over quantity people, every time quality over quantity. Especially when life gets rough and it seems like you’re stuck in the tumbling mode of a washing machine. When every day brings a new workload and the load of yesterday is sitting there waiting for you. When you look exactly like what you’re going through because life can be challenging at times.
I shared with those I felt safe with and I’m very happy I did. Because if I hadn’t, you would’ve found me curled up like a ball mumbling to myself incoherently. Overwhelmed by it all in a never ending cycle of this is too much.
To my girls: I love you. I love you. I love you. & thank you for being part of my village.
Love,
Maame.
