Scared of Lonely

I rushed into relationships and friendships because I was scared to be alone.

Whew. Admitting that to yourself can be scary and it can quickly put you in a place of guilt, why guilt you might wonder. Guilt because you dragged other people into your mess and feel bad about it. It's okay to feel bad about it, go through that feeling and then let it go and start feeling good about having let it go. 

Some, just got out of that situation, some are right in it and others are just about to enter into the kind of relationship they think they need and want when in fact the relationship they need is the one with themselves. Whatever stage you may find yourself in, I hope this helps.

It’s not hard to get into a relationship, especially when you feel lonely and don’t want to feel that way anymore, you dive in to whoever or whatever is out there, not taking a closer look at yourself and the other person, relationship, situationship, whatevership. We see instagram couples and start our morning, afternoon and evening prayer with “God, it’s me again...” with an accusing tone and a frustrated spirit because it seems like everyone is boo’d up except you, everyone has their set of friends, their “squad” except you. You’re simply out of luck when it comes to those things. To make matters worse: life in general is not going too great. To put it simply: work sucks, Uni/school sucks, finances suck and your future looks even more uncertain than your present. Why be alone with your thoughts when you can be occupied shoving your tongue down someone’s throat? Or having a good time out with “friends” every night, drinking it all away? (Go ahead and listen to “Cranes in the Sky” by Solange because she describes this state of being perfectly)

Pleasure over pain, but pain has a nasty habit of returning when not dealt with properly and making things worse than before. Pain wants attention and needs to be dealt with immediately, but who wants to deal with that, when the joys and pleasures of life are waving at you, welcoming you into its cozy bosom?

My heart wasn’t healed when I rushed into a relationship I knew I had no place being in. So with my baggage and loneliness and borderline depression, which eventually turned into a very very deep depression, I just went for it. But when the pleasure wore off, the fore mentioned pain kicked in and how it kicked in, no anaesthesia, no medication, it was a full body bandage that was ripped off leaving me half dead - no, fully dead- inside. I was alive but then again I also wasn’t because I hadn’t dealt with self and now self and karma was dealing with me, ruthlessly. Sleepless nights, losing myself in alcohol and smoking trees kind of ruthless, not taking care of myself kind of ruthless, drifting into debt because I could care less kind of ruthless, choosing sleep over everything because being unconscious and numb was better than being awake and feeling it all. Nothing seemed to be working out for me because I wasn’t functioning properly. Have you ever felt alone in a room that was full of people? 

Kind people, friendly people, nice people but somehow not the right people because they weren’t your people? You, playing a part in a play that you coincidentally stumbled into and don’t quite know how to get out of?

As someone who is very much impressionable and used to be even more impressionable a few years back, I found myself lost. Lost in the heat of it all, as Frank Ocean so beautifully sang it.

All hope is not lost

If you should find yourself in this situation, and think there is no way out and that you’ll forever feel miserable just know that you will come up for air eventually, fresh air, when you chose to tackle the demons challenging you. Get help, speak up, talk to someone you can trust or someone who can help you professionally. Don’t just brush it off, like dirt on your shoulder, because it will return when not dealt with thoroughly. Also, some of you might think that being whole and healthy and well is a one touch thing. As if to say once you’re fine, you’re fine. Sorry to break it to you but once you’re fine, you have to keep working on being fine and being okay. It’s not a one stop shop, it’s a lifetime of work on self, and different ways of loving self and taking care of self that you will be thankful for in the long run.

You’ve got this, we’ve got this!

Love,

Maame