The Loneliness of Adulthood
& how to go against it.
When I was younger I wanted to have a million friends. Be it contacts on msn, Blackberry Messenger, MySpace or real life. Know everyone, be known by everyone, have a squad, a clique; the more, the merrier.
My mom would constantly say that “Too many friends aren’t good” and my other favourite statement of hers “Not everyone is your friend”. Of course back then I didn’t understand what she was going on about and I ended up learning the not so nice way that there are real friends and then there are people that are acquaintances who shouldn’t be counted as part of your inner circle. But more on that another time.
It was completely normal to call a friend and then meet up twenty minutes later; to go by their house and ask if they wanted to come out; to walk by someone’s balcony and have them join you go to the city to buy the new converse that you had had your eyes on for a hot minute. Back then, it felt like time was ours.
The older I got the more responsibilities were added to my plate. Now, I have to schedule dates weeks or sometimes even months ahead and there might still be the possibility of cancellation on both ends. Add on the fact that my closest friends don’t live nearby and you long for the days where you were able to walk to your friends house just to chill in their bedroom and talk about everything and nothing, until it got late and you had to head home before your parents sent out a search squad to find you.
Adulting can be a lonely place. Let me not get started on motherhood because that hood can be even lonelier: Constantly having kids sparring for your attention in the background while you’re trying to make a phone call, not always being able to meet up with your friends because one of the kids spontaneously got sick, or because there’s no one there to take care of them besides you.
For someone who struggled with the gaping hole of loneliness in their 20s, it triggers something dark and cloudy, almost like a storm brewing. Not giving in to complete and total isolation and its horrible consequences, that I have witnessed one too many times. I knew I had to push against it. After all, if you could believe anything you saw on socials, there were people having date nights with friends, were going on trips together, meeting up for drinks or coffee or cake or matcha or all of the above. People with busy schedules, jobs to go to, businesses to grow, children to take care of, partners to be with, so I asked myself how could I close the gaping hole of loneliness that was staring me right in the face?
Putting intention behind my daily life is what made a difference for me. Instead of hiding behind a busy schedule and finding every excuse in the world not to do something, I have been giving myself space and grace to socialise. Even if I have to give myself a pep talk before going out (my mirror hates to see me coming - shout out to every insecure fan), and silence the voice in my head that is telling me that staying at home is way more cozy than going out, or the other voice that stresses about what I will wear and what to do with my hair. It can be reaching out to a friend and scheduling a date, or just picking up the phone and calling a friend just to yap about anything really. My intrusive thoughts win and I end up not wanting to call anyone anymore because one friend didn’t pick up or another one told me they were a bit busy at the moment. But don’t let those thoughts win. Do it anyway. It makes for a lot less lonely life.
I got so comfortable in my solitude that I completely forgot how much I like people, how I enjoy great conversations and what wonderful things can happen from just sliding in to someones dm’s and asking to grab a coffee or in my case food because you’re in their city. I did that this year and stepped over my fear of rejection and when I tell you I was rewarded with the most beautiful day that started with mouthwatering chicken and waffles and stimulating conversation and ended with a heart to heart and the most delicious creme brûlée danish my tastebuds had ever experienced (thanks again Nadine & Ann 🧡).
My verdict is that adulthood can be lonely. Clouded by work, responsibilities, goals, life journeys, the constant mental load and so on and so forth but (and it’s a big but): it doesn’t have to be. In my experience, there is always someone there willing and ready to share the load, someone who genuinely wants to spend time with you, even if it is a ten minute long voice message that you listen to like it’s a podcast. Whatever you do don’t let loneliness win, there is so much joy to be found in connection.
Love,
Maame.
