Self Love Era

In my Fitness Girl Era.

Health is wealth. We’ve heard it time and time again and I couldn’t agree more. You are what you eat; and if that means I am a double chocolate ganache cake then I guess, I’ll take it? But in all seriousness I used to hate any sort of physical activity… what do you mean I should sweat and pant and taste blood in my mouth all free willingly? If I remember it correctly, the Spanish inquisition is long gone and I didn’t have anything to do with it, so why torture myself?

This was my persistent and consistent view of anything having to do with sports, the gym, fitness whatever. In the words of my toddlers: but WHY?

So then, one might wonder, what happened? I gave birth, twice. Back to back (I like that record, imma get back to that, for the record, sorry I had to). My body didn’t feel like my own anymore, I was struggling going up the stairs.. one flight of stairs people. One. Flight. Of. Stairs. I apologize to everyone who was on the phone with me while climbing stairs… the heavy breathing always raised a lot of concern.

What I want to say is that it wasn’t great. I was getting slower by the minute while the kids were getting faster by the second. Constant fatigue and binge eating snacks (caramel coated popcorn, chocolate (in all ways and forms), chips (flaming hot Cheetos anyone?) and the likes, not drinking enough water and eating fast food like my life depended on it. My pants and I were in a constant war zone. Zippers protested by not closing fully and fabric just magically tore every time I tried to wear something. Jeans shrunk (that was my delusional excuse for me not fitting into them anymore ). And the cute baby bump from month 4 made a comeback so grande you would think I was pregnant again. The couch and me became such good friends that the spot where my butt and the couch met had a dent in it. I kid you not. I knew there had to be a change; not to look good on socials  but to feel good on the inside. Because I wasn’t feeling good about myself at all. So I watched videos. Saved reels and tik toks, googled as many diets as I could and did my research. In good old fashioned manner, I was bound to stay in the researching zone and never enter the doing zone.

It took me a while to make active change because my mind kept telling me what I was aiming for was too high and just because I saw soemone else do it, didn’t mean that I was going to be able to do it too. So one morning, I packed my gym bag, which was gathering dust at this point; threw in the only leggings that didn’t threaten to expose my underwear while attempting to do a deep squat, an oversized black Nike t-shirt that I borrowed from my husband without any intent on giving it back of course, gym sneakers, a towel, my newly bought water bottle that was supposed to motivate me to drink more water and went. As I got to the gym, I was waiting for anticipation anxiety to set in, I went into the changing room with the sound of some fast paced mashup remix playing in the background, still waiting for that feeling I was so familiar with to set in but nada, nothing, niente, nichts. I looked at the gym plan I had created and went for it. Rep for rep, set after set, resting phases in-between and for the first time since attempting a fitness journey, I was enjoying it. Because I had really done a deep dive on workouts and what to do and why to do it. I wasn’t wandering around aimlessly but knew what I needed to do and dare I say I had fun? From warm up to cooldown. Sure my body felt rusty and my knees kept making weird noises when I was doing my squats but it felt good. Trust me, everyone who really knows me knows that these words coming from me is as unbelievable as it gets. I came home and I was excited to do it again.

So, what had changed? Because this had been my 6th or 16th attempt (I eventually stopped counting) at a fitness journey.

I had read somewhere that self love wasn’t just about the things that I did for me but also the things that I wasn’t doing because they made clear how much I valued myself. How I much I really loved my body, soul, spirit. How much I valued my time here on this earth. Going to the gym and choosing to eat a healthier diet (not completely eliminating chocolate and all her friends of course) was an act of self love. Showing up for myself in a consistent way, was also an act of self love. Disciplining myself to go out whether I felt like it or not was (yes you guessed it) an act of self love. That completely altered my view on life and the choices and decisions I was making day in and day out. Time will pass anyway, so why not do something that was good for me?Working out meant having me time in the chaos and turbulence of my everyday life. No kids, no chores, no assignments, no work. Just me and a really great playlist or a feel good podcast episode. Feeling good about yourself, with the extra bonus of looking good too.

What is something you have been putting off that you know deep down is good for you? That thing that you have been making excuses for since the beginning of time, that could be nourishing to your soul, spirit and body. That thing that your future self will be thanking you for when you finally decide to do it and stick to it?

I’m in my self love era, investing in myself and not waiting on someone to do it for me. Starting small, starting scared, starting shy but still, starting.

To be honest: this right here, journaling and sharing it with you, is an act of self love too. So do it, whatever it is. Do it, pour into yourself, love on you.

Love,

Maame.