When to part ways and why we hold on even when the expiration date has come and gone

CB once sang: It’s never the right time to say goodbye.

Because it isn’t. You don’t have to be a philosopher or an R&B singer to know that. Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation with someone, but somehow every time you bring up the guts to talk to the person and to finally speak your mind, something happens? It never seems to be the right time because in my case I like to avoid the conversation and try to find any excuse not to have it.

“My battery was low”, even though I have a charger right next to me; “they are going through a lot”, “I think I should let them be for a while", the list is endless. We dread the farewell conversation and would very much like to skip to the part where the conversation has been had and we can breathe again. If only there was a fast forward button in life, I know I would have pushed it till it breaks. But adulting also means confronting issues and unfortunately also letting go of people, breaking up, parting ways, saying goodbye, chucking up the deuces. And not a see you soon.

I’m saying that because most of the time, we don’t say goodbye, we don’t draw a line that cannot be crossed, we are not clear with what we want and then act surprised when the person we supposedly “cut off” is still lingering around like nothing ever happened. Like that person you broke things off with that still sends you good morning, good afternoon and good night texts? I’m sorry to break it to you, but you didn’t break anything off. You might have unintentionally upgraded to relationship status. I’m praying for you.

Sure, there are cases when you break things off, and draw a line so clear it can be seen from a thousand miles away, you block them or change your phone number and they still manage to get a hold of you because your goodbye was interpreted as a hello. In that case, RUN you’ve got a stalker on your hands. No seriously if things start getting uncomfortable, seek help. Trust me no one wants to have to deal with a person that can’t take no for an answer (been there, done that and absolutely do not recommend!)

But let’s not think of an extreme case. I’m talking about when you’re the one who is not clear, because you’re concerned with their feelings or how they will see you. What I have learned in my thirty years of life is that you can be the nicest person on earth and someone will still have something mean to say about you. You can be the most likable person and there will be someone who can’t stand you. It is what it is.

When the expiration date has come and gone, you should let go, because keeping whoever it is in your life, will cause more pain than what you bargained for. Talking out of experience here. Life has a twisted sense of humor: sometimes we avoid a conversation just to have it forced in our faces. Like that person you’ve been avoiding that you just happen to meet at the supermarket that’s nowhere near where they live but they’re visiting a friend so here you are between the candy and bread aisle having an uncomfortable conversation under the bright fluorescent lights of a supermarket, shedding light on issues that you failed to address. Sounds oddly specific right? Again, been there, done that; would 100% not recommend. But that’s just how the universe works sometimes. The one thing you’re trying to avoid, is the exact thing that will be standing in front of your door staring you in the face.

“If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
- Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou said it best. If someone isn’t right for you, you’ll know by their words and actions, still we tend to turn a blind eye and look the other way even when we are being disrespected because of all the great times we had together and because “they’re not that bad” or because - and that used to be my personal favourite - “we’ve known each other forever”.

I personally used to keep people in my life because I didn’t want to hurt them but also because I didn’t know what my life would look like without them and how it would affect me. Was it hard, letting go of certain friendships? Yes. Did I miss them sometimes? Of course. Did I feel better after saying goodbye? A thousand percent. If your life improves after someone leaves, you did the right thing. Even if it hurts. In the long run, when we stay or choose to keep them in our lives, we cause more damage and hurt than when we decide to cut ties and go our separate ways.

There have been a lot of goodbyes in my life, some initiated by me, some initiated by others. Some separations I never thought I’d get over and some I couldn’t get away from fast enough.

We don’t talk enough about the heartbreak you can experience in non romantic relationships and the freedom that comes with finally saying goodbye and good riddance. The beauty of saying goodbye is making room to saying hello to new and better things.

Love,

Maame.