insecure

Journal

Apr 23

Written By

Sometimes, there are days where I feel like I’m on top of the world, other times it feels like the world is on top of me, right now is other times. I feel heavy, my skin is acting up, breaking out like crazy and on top of it all my fro is not loving me back.When it rains it pours. Will I get better, will my hair start flourishing again? Will I start feeling myself again? I wonder… - Excerpt from my journal

Insecure is back, with juicy storylines, belly hurting jokes and cringeworthy awkward moments. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you may kindly ~~exit right now~~, keep scrolling. If you know exactly what I’m talking about, then you might also feel like 2020 just got a little bit brighter because one of your favorite shows just returned and you don’t know how to act because you’ve been waiting for so long.

Issa Dee’s life is something that every Twenty something year old (borderline Thirty) and (young) adult can understand and empathize with. The hassle of it all. The crappy job, challenging bosses, micro aggressions; comparing yourself with your peers, trying to mature but not getting the hang of it, adulting and its “perks”, love issues, friendship issues, skin, hair, body issues - you want it, I got it.

Insecure is not only about insecurity but I want to talk about it today.

Insecurity is something I’ve struggled with since I was a child. Being "too thin", "too small", with "too little boobs" (they were non existent I’m not going to lie) and society and people around me constantly telling me that it was out of the norm (puberty hit really late guys..) I had a lack of confidence so big and wide you could hide under it and not be found. But then as I got older and fuller (yes, eventually the curves came around with love handles and thick thighs and everything) there were still insecurities lingering around on the inside of me, things that people were not able to see but I felt inwardly. I didn’t feel right, I had gained weight and couldn’t hide behind my small frame anymore because the frame had expanded. It is one thing to look the part and a whole other thing to feel and be the part. We see it all the time on the gram (correct me if I’m wrong) the beautiful faces, the gorgeous bodies, the having it all together type of energy that increases with every scroll, while decreasing our confidence with every new post -ouch.

I have come to realize that insecurity, just like any other feeling that makes us feel smaller than we are is another word for fear. The fear of not being accepted. The fear of not being good enough, beautiful enough. The fear of being too much or too little. Fearing to be our true self because of what others might think (as if our own thoughts weren’t self sabotaging enough, now we are thinking of someone else’s hypothetical thoughts.) And even if they voice their unwanted opinion that may not come from the kindest intentions, take it with a smile and put it in the trash, because no to negativity.

What I have learned and I’m still learning is that if you don’t embrace yourself fully, no one else will and no one else can do it for you.