On the Last Day of the Year

Writing this while enjoying the serene sounds of nature. Waves are splashing towards the shore. The tide is high. The sun is rising over the ocean waters. The air tastes like salt with a tinge of humidity, my skin is dewy, inhaling the sun like its life depends on it. There’s a rooster crowing in the background. I welcome every light breeze with a smile on my face.  A smile I haven’t been able to get rid of, I have not wanted to get rid of since I got here. Swaying palm trees dancing to a rhythm of their own. I am home.

As the year is coming to a fast end I can’t help but reflect. I think about what my life looked like this past year. Counting my blessings but there’s a strong part of me that doesn’t stop there, I count my failures too until they occupy every space that I have in my mind and push every positive thought into the corner. Sometimes I feel like yelling at my positive thoughts: fight back!

This year had many layers to it. At least that’s how it was for me. It was a rollercoaster of achieving some things, completely slacking at others, losing myself in the world of insecurities, finding myself in things I wasn’t even looking for. It is easy to dive into the feeling of failure as the year ends. We see other peoples reflections and how much they were able to fulfill their mood board and visions for the year. The feeling of inadequacy creeps in slowly, turning our stomach until there’s a bitter taste in our mouth, almost acidic. Just thinking about that feeling is making me sick. You see people getting promoted, having babies, traveling the world, building successful careers, buying new cars, getting engaged and married, flexing their abs, wining and dining seven days out the week, having a wardrobe that is to die for, always having good hair days, living la vida loca and all of a sudden it feels like you’re a potato sack who didn’t do anything special this year. Your highly ambitious and carefully crafted mood board collected dust and there’s maybe not a single thing that worked out for you.

Look deeper than that.

Step away for a second and look at the bigger picture. Maybe you didn’t cry as much as you did last year. Maybe you spent more time with friends than you did before, creating fun memories. Maybe there were slow mornings just with you and some music vibing it out. Maybe just maybe you’re focusing on all the things that didn’t happen and forgot all the things that did happen. Even if they seem insignificant compared to what you see other people doing. But that’s the thing: there is a reason why they say that comparison is the thief of joy.

Like me: I might not have landed my dream job or gotten my dream body but I built consistency, something I had been struggling with for a long, long time. I started my newsletter again and the feedback I have been getting makes me a little teary eyed (not me crying while writing this). I made health and fitness a priority and even though the six pack is still MIA, I feel the healthiest (mentally, physically and emotionally) I have felt in the past four years. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stepped into my purpose.

With every hug, every encouragement, every silliness and goofy play, every “I love you”, every set boundary, I healed my inner child and not only that, I laid a foundation for a healthy inner child for my daughters, breaking cycles of trauma. My friendships solidified and my sisters and I kept a safe and loving space for each other. Prayer became a priority this year, I became a lot less other people centered (even though there’s still a lot of work to be done) and more God centered, seeing God within me. So yes maybe the car isn’t there, and the zeros in my bank account aren’t at billionaires status (yet). But there has been so much growth. It happened so slowly I didn’t even notice. To someone looking at it from the outside it might seem insignificant but the greatest wins aren’t material ones, they may be a plus but are most definitely not the prize.

So when your negative thoughts are being a mean bully, tell your positive ones to stand up and fight back. It is said that “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” So fight back. Be the light that drives out the darkness that comes in threatening to drown you. Reflect, Restructure, Breathe and bathe in the successes that you had this year. Believe me there have been more than you give yourself credit for.

However you choose to ring in the new year, know that I am proud of you, I am proud of us!

365/365

Love,

Maame.